Question:
I don’t like smoking, but all my friends do. They are always buggin’ me to join them and smoke. I think it is gross. But they won’t shut up about it. What should I do?

Answer:
You are smart for not wanting to smoke despite the pressure. I think you should stand to your decision and tell your friends to respect your choice, or get new friends. If your friends are really your friends, then they will respect you and leave you alone. Also, I think you should help your friends because smoking doesn’t leave any good.
- Advice by Jasmin, age 14

No one should ever be pressured by friends. I mean all throughout your life you’ll see friends coming and going. You may think you’ll have the best friends forever, but it is only temporary. My personal opinion is you should never do something provoked by peer pressure!
- Advice by Velia, age 14

Question:
I really love my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for six months, but lately I’ve noticed that he is wanting to control ever little thing I do. He gets mad if I go out with my friends, and he wants me to spend all my time with him. He gets super jealous if I talk to any of my guy friends. It is great when it is just the two of us. When he is around his friends, he acts different. I want to stay together, but I don’t like the way he acts some times. How do I get him to change?

Answer:
I think that if a girl is being controlled by her boyfriend, then she should leave him. Some girls think that having an over-doing jealous boyfriend is cool because the guy really loves her. The truth is that this is dangerous. I don’t think any girl should be put down or be deprived of her rights.
- Advice by Jasmin, age 14

I think that she should break up with him, or tell him that she’ll leave him if he doesn’t start backing off. If he still acts like that or he gets worst, she should talk to his parents. If that doesn’t work and if it gets serious, then she should just get a restraining order.
- Advice by Samantha, age 14

By and For Latinitas

Relationships can be hard especially with someone you really care for, or if the person you’ve known for a while is having trouble, or even if you’re trying to start a new one. Just remember that trust and communication can make or break any bond whether it be in the beginning or end of a friendship. As long as you can be yourself and understand one another, there shouldn’t be any problems. If there are problems there’s always a way to fix them, that’s where Latinitas comes in.

Question: “Whenever my best friend says or does something really mean to someone I point it out because I feel that’s what friends should do. The only problem is that whenever I’m honest with her she gets really defensive and threatens to end our friendship. How do I remain honest without losing my best friend?”

Advice: Honesty is the key to any relationship, whether it be family or friends. You’re doing the right thing in asking your friend to reflect on her actions or words, especially if their intention is meant to hurt someone else. Try to step back and put yourself in her shoes for a second. Think about how you would react to being approached and called out on something you feel strongly about, even if it’s wrong. Try to approach your friend the same way you would want to be approached in order to avoid tension, and be fair and calm. If you feel that doesn’t work, resort to honesty again. Tell her why you’re asking her to stop saying those things or why you make an effort to point them out. Let her know that she’s still your best friend and that your friendship means a lot to you. Explain to her that you want her to be honest with you and that you hope she feels as confident in your friendship as you do. The key is to be calm and understanding of what your best friend is feeling. Hopefully, reflecting and being honest to her about your friendship will help her understand that saying mean things is not right and that being honest is beneficial to any strong friendship.

Question: “I’m new to a school where there are a lot of cliques and I keep finding myself getting bullied because I can’t seem to fit in anywhere. How can I deal with being bullied  and make friends fast?”

Answer: Being new is incredibly hard and you should acknowledge that it’s difficult. Take a moment for yourself and breathe. Before rushing into friendships decide what it is that draws you to people. Because you’re being bullied, you could make a rash decision and end up in a group you don’t feel comfortable being with. You’re dealing with three very difficult and stressful situations. In order to figure them out and keep your cool, start with the one that’s bothering you the most. Assuming it’s bullying, talk to an adult you trust and let them know what’s going on. Bullying is something that should never be taken lightly. What may seem like no big deal now can escalate further down the road. It’s incredibly important that you feel safe in an environment and a community that is new to you. Once you have found a way to deal with the bully then you’ll be able to focus on making friends and adjusting to your new school. Try to break the cliques and surround yourself with positive people that you’re comfortable with. Don’t worry about fitting in to one specific group and having to act a certain way. Friends are people you can be yourself around and will accept you for who you are. Keep that in mind as you continue to encounter new faces.

In many school hallways across the country, children and teens are being bullied. Kids are spreading rumors, making fun of other students’ religion, teasing someone for how they look, hurting others because they have a different cultural background, picking on them because they are homosexual or sending harassing messages online.  About 77 percent, students are being bullied verbally, physically and other ways. Many adults don’t think that the situation of bullying is grave, but in truth, bullying has affected many teens. Bullying can lead to depression, drugs, alcohol, cutting themselves, and the biggest issue of all, teen suicide. There have been cases of teen suicide related to bullying. While this remains an issue on many campuses, many teens are starting to take a stand against bullying. They have created anti-bullying organizations, posted their stories online, made videos and told stories on the news.  These Latinitas share their top tips to creating a bully free zone, preventing bullying or helping someone in need:

Tip#1: “Ignore the people who are bullying you,” recommends Evelyn, age 17.

When other kids or teens are sayings mean things to you or someone that you know, it’s better to ignore those people. Ignoring those people shows that you don’t really care about their comments and that you like being who you are. Also, this helps you to let them know that you are stronger and more mature than fighting back towards them.

Tip#2: “Talk to the bully about their comments,” suggests Marlett, age 17.

Bullies may not know that their words are hurtful. Try talking to the bully and explain to them that their words and actions are not funny, that in fact it hurts and they should stop.

Tip#3:” Tell your parents, an adult, or even a friend, that you  can  trust,” shares Vanessa, age 17.

It’s important to tell someone that you  know about your situation. When you let people know about your troubles; it helps you to let out your troubles and lets them know about the conflict.

Tip#4: “DON’T fight the bully,” declares Marifer, age 17.

Involving yourself with the bully can lead to trouble. Just because the bully made a comment it doesn’t mean you should fight back with the same level of insult, or get into a fist fight. When the bully does an offensive comment, or physical contact, its best to ignore him or her and walk away. Doing this will get yourself out of trouble with the bully.

Tip#5: “Help the ones who are being picked on,” adds Evelyn, age 17.

When someone is being picked on, it’s better for you to help them out. You can help by telling an adult or  by defending the victim from the bullies.

Tip#6: “Don’t hesitate to ask for help,” says Vanessa, age 17.

It’s important to ask someone for help. It’s not snitching it’s protecting yourself. If the bully harasses you, tell an adult immediately. You don’t know what might happen next. It is better to be on the safe side.

Tip#7: “Try being their friend,” encourages Cynthia, age 21.

Some bullies intend to bug others because they want attention or because someone else is bullying them. The best way to overcome a bully is try to talk to them and be their friend. If the bully talks about their troubles and says what’s bugging them, it’s likely for them to stop tormenting other people.

Tip#8: “Be careful of your words and actions,” says Evelyn, age 17.

You may not know it but sometimes your actions and words can hurt others, making you a bully. Even if you are just playing around, to the other person may take it as an offensive joke.  The best way to avoid being a bully is to keep your comments to yourself and be respectful to the person you are talking to.

Dear Julianna,

People make fun of me sometimes because I try to do well in school. I want to succeed in life and buy nice things for my parents when I’m older. I’m only trying to make my life better. What can I do when I get teased about making good grades?

Dear Friend,

It is a great that you choose to do well in school. Hard work pays off in the end! I think the best thing you can do when being teased about your grades is to ignore the comments. You know your reasons for doing well and you do not have to explain yourself to anyone. Keep up the good work at school and soon enough you will accomplish your goal of making your life better.

Sincerely,

Julianna

Dear Julianna,

I have a friend who puts me down in front of other people. In private, she is like a best friend. I am not sure how to deal with, it but it makes me depressed. What should I do? What would you do if you were me?

Dear Amiga,

There is a saying, “With friends like that, who needs enemies?” I would definitely stop talking and hanging out with her. A friend should treat you the same everywhere in public and in private. If the situation is making you depressed, then perhaps you should talk to your friend. You can confront her and ask her why she treats you different in front of others. If the situation does not get any better, find new friends who will appreciate you and who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Sincerely,

Julianna

Dear Latinitas,

For the past few weeks, my best friend and I haven’t really been talking. We treat each other as if we don’t know each other. I want our friendship to go back to what it was. What can I do?

Dear Friend,

I have been in your same situation. One of the best things to do is pull your friend to the side, or contact her somehow, and just talk about things. Talk about how your friendship once was and bring up good memories. Then, talk about what happened to cause all of this to fade away. You two should be able to have reasons as to why there has been distance. It would be sad to lose a best friend because of miscommunication.

Dear Latinitas,

My best friend is trying to change who she is for a boy. How can I tell her that she shouldn’t do it?

Dear Friend,

The nicest way to tell your friend to not change her personality for a boy is to tell her in private. Do not make a big scene and call her out in front of others. It is best to confront her privately and have a discussion about her actions. Make sure to tell her about your concerns and how much you care for her. Also, try to give an opinion of the boy, but not too much because you don’t want to upset your friend. Make sure to remind your friend that she is fine the way she is and that she should not change for anyone.

Dear Latinitas,

My friend is always hanging out with the wrong people. How do I tell her what she’s doing is wrong?

Dear Friend,

What you can do is pull your friend to the side, talk to her, and give her examples of her reckless actions. The examples would only be needed if she can clearly not understand your point of view.  Make sure that you tell her how much you care about her, the friendship, and her well being. I’m not saying that this will be an easy task and she’ll come running back to you. However, it does not hurt to try since you truly believe the crowd she is hanging with is bad.

Dear Latinitas,

My friends are always telling me to change my looks and personality. How do I tell them I don’t want to change?

Dear Friend,

Queridas Latinitas,

Durante las últimas semanas, mi mejor amiga y yo casi no hemos hablado.  Nos tratamos como si fuéramos extrañas.  Quisiera que nuestra amistad volviera a ser como antes.  ¿Qué puedo hacer?

Querida Amiga,

Yo he estado en la misma situación.  La mejor cosa que puedes hacer es hablar a solas con tu amiga sobre lo que está pasando.  Hablen sobre su amistad y recuérdale buenas memorias de cosas que pasaron juntas.  Luego, hablen sobre lo que ocasionó que se distanciaran.  Las dos deben saber que es lo que paso para que se dejaran de hablar.  Sería muy triste que su amistad terminara por un malentendido.

Queridas Latinitas,

Mi  mejor amiga esta intentando cambiar por un chico.  ¿Cómo le digo que no debería hacerlo?

Querida Amiga,

La mejor manera de decirle a tu amiga que no cambie su personalidad por un chico es decirle en privado.  No hagas un drama enfrente de otras personas.  Es mejor que la confrontes en privado para poder tener una discusión sobre sus acciones.  Asegúrate de informarle tu preocupación por ella y muéstrale que ella te importa.  También exprésale tu opinión acerca del chico pero no al punto de que tu amiga se moleste.  Recuérdale a tu amiga que está bien como esta y que no debería cambiar por nadie.

Queridas Latinitas,

Mi amiga se está juntando con las personas equivocadas.  ¿Cómo le digo que lo que está haciendo es un error?

Querida Amiga,

Lo que puedes hacer es hablar con tu amiga y dale ejemplos de sus acciones.  Los ejemplos serian necesarios solamente si ella no entiende tu punto de vista.  Asegúrate de decirle cuanto te importa ella y su amistad al igual que su bien estar.  No te aseguro que ella va volver a ser la misma de antes inmediatamente pero, no pierdes nada en tratar de convencerla si es que en verdad crees que las personas con las que se junta la pueden dañar.

Queridas Latinitas,

Mis amigas siempre me dicen que debo cambiar mi apariencia y mi personalidad.  ¿Cómo les digo que yo no quiero cambiar?

Querida Amiga,

La primera cosa que debes hacer es preguntarles sus razones.  ¿Por qué deberías cambiar tu apariencia y personalidad?  Pídeles su más sincera opinión sobre ti.  Te lo digo porque todos tenemos una razón detrás de nuestras opiniones.  Tus amigas deben tener una razón legítima para pedirte que cambies.  Por legítima me refiero a que deben tener una opinión honesta sobre tu apariencia.  Deben  querer que cambies para beneficiarte a ti y a tu autoestima.  Cuando respondan a tus preguntas, entonces puedes pensar si puedes confiar en sus formas de pensar.  Al final, lo que importa es como te sientes tú contigo misma.  Si tú te sientes bien, entonces explícales que no vez nada malo en la forma en que te presentas.

Question: Dear Latinitas, My mom and dad are divorced and I miss my dad. What should I do? -No Longer Daddy’s Girl

Answer: Divorce is a very hard thing for everyone – your parents, brothers, sisters and you. I’m almost positive it is just as hard for them as for you. Everyone has their own way to deal with things. As far as keeping in touch with your dad, you should write letters and send him pictures. Ask for the same in return. You can even turn to technology, create an IM, or a video chat and set a schedule each week. Just remember to stay strong and I’m sure your parents love you very much. So do whatever you can to keep in touch and there will always be times when you can meet them in person. Advice by Jackie

Question: Dear Latinitas, I have my first boyfriend. I really like him and want to know how I should act. What are your tips to having a good relationship? -New To Dating

Answer: You should always be yourself. No girl or boy likes a show off. You have to show them how you really are. If you want to keep your relationship, than you should show that person your real personality. If that person has no interest in you, then you are in a bad relationship. You can always find the right relationship follow these tips.
Advice by Aliris

November 2010

Q.

Help! I really like a boy in one of my classes. All my friends know that I like him. A few of them tease me and are planning to tell him. How do I stop them from doing this?

- Fearing the Worst

A.Dear Fearing the Worst,

I can see your dilemma. It is tough when your friends do something that could potentially hurt you or embarrass you.

Have you tried having a serious talk with your friends about this? That would be my first suggestion. If you don’t want them to tell your crush, then be sure that you make it very clear to your friends. Let them know exactly why you don’t want them to tell your crush and be specific about how it would make you feel if they disregarded your request. Share how the teasing affects you. Voice your opinions and your friends should respect your wishes.

I imagine it might be hard to confront your friends, but you should know that it will be worth it. Taking the direct approach should make them realize that you don’t deserve this type of treatment. Good luck.

- Consejos de Aly

Q.

I have a friend that talks about people a lot. When people find out, they think it’s me. My parents already told me what to do, but I want to hear it from someone else. What should I do?

- Blamed Again

A.Dear Blamed Again,

You’ve already begun to answer your own question. Trust your instincts that this friend is not acting in your best interest. Friends should make us feel good. This friend is making you take credit for her bad behavior. That is uncool! You have a good reason to be fed up.

The best thing to do is set the record straight. Be direct with your friend. Give her the good with the bad. Tell her you want to be her friend. Give her a few reasons why you like hanging out with her. Sometimes this helps when we have to be harsh with friends. People who talk about others are often expressing jealousy, the product of insecurity. Your friend might not be feeling good about herself. It may help if you ask her why she needs to gossip about other people. Tell her that she is your friend and she should feel good about that. Then, tell her how you feel. Rehearse if you have to. It’s always hard to confront people who have hurt you. You can tell her you can’t be friends. Also, let her know that all the good times you two could have had might be ruined if she’s going to gossip about others and certainly if she’s going to blame it on you.

If you stand up for yourself, she is more likely to respect you and stop the gossip blaming. You must be willing, though, to let her go as a friend if she doesn’t stop. If she continues to blame you, then feel free to let people know your honest feelings. Explain to them that you are not gossiping about them. They will be relieved.

- Consejos de Laura

Q.

I had a boyfriend who was so mean to me. We dated for one month and this was the best time of my life. I had liked him for seven months out of the year that I’ve known him. He told me I was cute, but he wanted me to do things with him that made me uncomfortable. He broke up with me because I told him I wasn’t going to do anything that made me feel that way. But, I still like him. He was my dream guy and he is perfect. I’ve tried so hard to forget about him, but I can’t. What should I do?

- Kat

A.Dear Kat,

Breaking up can be hard especially when you really like someone. While there may not be any quick fix to a getting over a break up, it is useful to consider the most important factor: you don’t want to be with someone who does not respect your opinions.

You should always trust your instincts and feel free to stand up for yourself when you aren’t comfortable. If you are at all uneasy about anything, it’s a good idea to think things through and not to move forward if you don’t want to.

It really sounds like this guy is not Mr. Perfect. If he broke up with you because you refused to do something that you didn’t like, that is totally uncool. No one should ever control how another person should act in a relationship. This guy should want to date you because you are super cool, not just to force you to behave ways that don’t like.

Ask yourself this – would you really want to be with someone who treats you like this? The answer is probably NO! It is most likely a good idea for both of you to just move on from each other. My guess is that you will feel a whole lot better setting your own limits based on what’s comfortable for you, and not on what others want you to do.

- Consejos de Aly